Light in a World of Dark
by Halawen
Summary: Clare broke up with Eli & he tries to get her back but when she won't talk to him he takes desperate measures. Now Eli's life hags by a thread & so does Clare's sanity. When Zig finds Clare desperate & in a dark place he makes her feel better but at to what price to her? Will Adam lose both his best friends? Can Johnny bring some light into her world? Trigger Warnings!
1. Left with a Deep Dark Hole

**Welcome to another new short story! Short Story Month is great for new short stories.**

 **Legal: I own nothing but the idea. This story is for entertainment purposes only. In no way do I condone suicide, self-harm, harming others or drug use they are purely for story purposes.**

 **WARNINGS: This story contains trigger warnings (see above) and begins with a major character death. Please read with caution. And if you are a fan of Zig this is not the fic for you.**

 **Important things to know before reading:**

 ***This is A/U and some people are ooc to fit the story.**

 ***Begins just after the start of Clare's senior year.**

 ***Clare did have cancer but Adam did not die he is alive and well and broke up with Becky over the summer.**

 ***The Bakers moved back to Florida**

 ***Owen is going to York and has an apartment with Johnny. Owen also works at DeGrassi part time as an assistant football coach.**

 ***There was never a Paris trip so Alli never met Leo and is dating Dallas already.**

 ***Drianca is still together.**

 ***Zig got kicked out by his parents and Maya is dating Miles. Zig already lives with Vince and Tiny.**

 ***Imogen graduated and there is no such thing as Zoe.**

 **Okay that should do it the rest is in the fic. There's a bit of pov jumping in this first chapter.**

 **Ch. 1 Left with a Deep Dark Hole**

 **(CLARE)**

"We have extra funds and…" Drew stops talking when my phone buzzes on the table. Eli's picture appears on the phone and I hit ignore.

"Go on," I tell Drew.

"I was thinking a Thanksgiving feast for needy families, we could do it Sunday so no one misses the holiday with their family," Drew tells me and during the time he was speaking I ignored four more of Eli's calls. "Are you going to talk to him?"

"No I'm going to turn off my phone," I respond and turn it off. "I think the dinner is a great idea, Thanksgiving is three weeks away we'll need to begin planning. It's a holiday weekend maybe Bianca can come help?"

"Yeah I'm sure she'd be happy to," Drew says as his phone begins ringing and he pulls it from his pocket. He looks at it and hands it to me, it's Eli he called Drew's phone because mine is off.

I take the phone and hit accept, "I'm not speaking to you Eli. Stop calling me!" I hang up the phone and give it back to Drew.

"Adam said you guys were on the rocks again," Drew comments.

"No we are broken up, he was cheating on me and I broke up with him. He's been cheating on me for the last month. Practically since he got to NYU, he came home to take care of me while I battled cancer and when I went into remission he goes home and he cheats on me. The minute I don't need him anymore he finds someone else!" I stop ranting to take a breath and realize Drew is looking at me with his eyebrows raised. "Sorry, didn't mean to clamor on about it, guess it's been pent up."

"That's okay. Sucks about you and Eli, you guys are good together. I'm surprised he cheated though, he always seemed kind of obsessed with you."

"Yeah," I nod sadly thinking about Eli and spinning my phone on the table.

"Let's go get you something chocolate from The Dot and finish up," Drew says getting up and I give him a small but grateful smile. I bring a notebook and we go to The Dot, I get some chocolate cake and coffee, Drew gets a burger but I'm sure he'll still be hungry for dinner when he gets home. We finish the meeting and have several new agenda issues to discuss at tomorrow's student council. "You want a ride home?" Drew offers as we leave The Dot.

"Sure, thanks."

"Clare," Eli says stepping out from behind the bus stop and blocking our path. "Just let me explain," Eli pleads but I ignore him stepping into the street and walking around me ex. "WHY WON'T YOU TALK TO ME?" Eli yells when I step back on the side walk and I look back at him narrowing my eyes.

"Because you cheated on me, you've been cheating on me practically since the moment you got back to New York! I don't care what you have to say Eli there is nothing you can say that would fix what you did. You made your choice go back to Lenore and leave me ALONE," I snap at him and continue walking with Drew following me. I take a few steps and then Eli speaks again.

" **FINE** ," he screams, "you want me to leave you alone I'll leave you alone forever. Just remember I will always love you Clare."

I take two more angry steps, and then I hear a blasting horn and screeching brakes! I whirl around on my heel. My hair whips in front of my face and falls into place just as Eli is hit by a delivery truck! He gets knocked down on the pavement. Eli crumples, there's blood all I see is blood and I scream. Drew turns me to him and holds me tight to hide this terrible vision from me. I hear people yelling and hollering, talking quickly and I'm shaking. I hear sirens screaming in the distance and I begin sobbing on Drew's chest. I feel like I can't stand or breathe and then Drew picks me up, he carries me down the street and sets me on the curb. We're behind some cars so I can't see the scene, Drew stands in front me and the sirens are closer now. I just curl up into a ball, shaking and sobbing, the brief image of Eli lying mangled in the street won't leave my mind.

"Should I take you home?" Drew asks but I can't respond.

"Drew did you…." Officer Turner begins and then he sees me. "You did see what happened. We'll need statements from you both but I don't think Clare's in any shape to give a statement. I think you should get her home I'll get in touch with you both later to get statements."

"No," I exclaim standing up quickly, "no I can't get home I need to talk to Eli."

I turn and run, all I can think is to get to Eli and talk to him like he wanted, somehow if I can talk to him this will never have happened. It makes perfect sense in my head. I just need to talk to him and it will all be better.

"Clare stop," Drew says catching me and turning me to him. "You can't talk to Eli, he's gone Clare."

"No! No he's not gone," I scream into Drew's chest.

"Come on I'm taking you to my house," Drew says picking me up. I feel ill. Ill and overwhelmed by so much emotion and thought I can't take it all. I start to withdraw into my head, barely aware that Drew has put me in his car.

 **(DREW)**

I park at my house and look at Clare. She's not crying anymore; she's not doing anything but staring at the window with a blank stare. I get out of the car and Clare doesn't move, she's in shock, at least I hope she's in shock and didn't have a mental breakdown. I open her door and pull her out of the car, when I push her to walk she does but it's like controlling a puppet. I walk her to the basement door and open it walking her in.

"What's with her?" Dallas asks.

"We heard someone got hit…" Adam begins to say and I cover Clare's ears with my hands shaking my head and Adam shuts up.

"Clare you want something to drink?" I ask her but she doesn't move, or speak or even blink.

"Clare what's wrong?" Adam questions standing up to look at her.

All of a sudden she snaps, I'm not sure if it's Adam standing in front of her or that she suddenly realizes she's at my place. First she begins breathing shallow and fast like it's hard for her to get air in and then she starts to shake as her eyes flood with tears.

"No he was here, I see him here, I need to talk to him," she begins to babble. I'm afraid she's going to hyperventilate and pass out

"Clare he's not…"

"No I have to go, I have to go," she says over me and her voice gets tighter and smaller. I'm afraid she's going to just pass out so I pick her up again and start walking to the stairs with her. She's still babbling about talking to Eli and it's sort of incoherent but she does at least put her arms around my neck.

"What is going on? Where are you taking her?" Adam demands but he's very worried.

"I'm taking her to my room, he was never in my room," I reply.

"Who was never in your room?" Adam questions but still runs ahead to open the basement door to upstairs for me.

"Andrew what on earth?" Mom questions when she sees us.

"I'm putting Clare in my room to rest and then I'll explain."

I take the stairs two at a time and set Clare on my bed. I'd tell her we'll be right downstairs if she needs us but I don't think she'd really hear me anyway; she's too far gone right now. So I put her on my bed and close my door going down to the kitchen where Dallas is now waiting.

"Okay what the hell happened?" Adam questions.

"Eli kept calling her while we were in our meeting and she turned off her phone and told me he'd been cheating on her."

"Yeah that's why I haven't spoken to him since I found out," Adam comments.

"Neither had she and he was very determined to talk to her. When she turned off her phone he called me and she hung up on him. We went to The Dot and finished the meeting and when we were walking back to school Eli was there and trying to talk to her. She told him to leave her alone and we kept walking. Then he tells her he'll always love her and…" I pause and draw in a breath looking at my brother, Eli is his other best friend, "he jumped in front of an oncoming delivery truck. He was…it didn't look good. Clare started freaking out and I brought her here."

"Eli," Adam swallows hard on his friend's name and sinks down against the sofa.

"I'll call Cece and see how they're doing and how Eli is and then I'll call Helen and tell her that Clare is here," Mom comments walking outside.

"Well no wonder Clare freaked out," Dallas comments.

"I'm going to go check on her," Adam says before going upstairs.

"Are you okay?" Dallas asks when Adam is upstairs.

"I'm not really sure honestly. We both saw him get hit, he is…or was important to Adam and Clare but I really never knew Eli that well. I knew he had problems and he's gone to extremes in the past but to take his life? I don't think it was planned, it was like she wouldn't talk to him and he imploded," I reply and Mom comes back in.

"Eli's in critical condition, unconscious with multiple internal injuries. They don't expect him to survive the night but he's in surgery and they're doing all they can. Helen said she'd come and get Clare," Mom informs us.

"I'll go talk to Adam and Clare, give them the news about Eli."

"I'm going to call Alli and tell her," Dallas says as I begin walking upstairs.

I open my bedroom door and find Clare lying on my bed, fingering the sash on my bathrobe that was on my bed. Adam sits on the edge with a hand on her arm, he looks sad and worried. She looks broken.

"Eli's in critical condition they don't think he'll make it through the night," I tell them.

"Can we see him?" Adam questions.

"I'm not sure, I'll take you down there but I think Clare's mom is coming to get her."

I'm not even sure Clare heard me, she's still staring into nothingness and fingering my bathrobe sash. Adam looks at her, brushing some hair back from her face and she doesn't even move.

"I want to go but Clare should probably go home," Adam replies.

"I'll go tell Mom." I leave my room and go back downstairs, Dallas isn't up here so I'm assuming he's still on the phone with Alli. "Adam wants to go see Eli if he can and I told him I'd take him. Clare isn't in any shape to do anything; she didn't say she wanted to see Eli but I don't think she should be at the hospital. It's probably best if she just goes home," I tell Mom and Adam comes downstairs.

"I told Clare I'd let her know how he is and that I'd call her later but I don't think she heard me. I'm ready to go," Adam sighs.

Mom doesn't say anything just nods and Adam and I leave. I take us to the hospital and through the emergency entrance. It takes a few minutes but we finally find out Eli is in surgery and where we can find his parents.

"Adam," Eli's mom smiles a little upon seeing my brother and hugs him. "Where's Clare? I thought she'd be here."

"She and I saw him jump in front of the truck and she…she's not in any state to be here right now," I tell them.

"I thought he was doing better, he seemed so happy in New York," Eli's dad comments.

I tell them about Eli cheating on Clare and how she was upset and everything else that happened this afternoon. I also tell them I don't think Eli came with intentions of killing himself.

"Maybe that wasn't his intention at all, maybe he didn't see that it was a delivery truck or didn't think it would hit him so hard. He's intentionally hurt himself to get Clare's attention before, maybe he just wanted her attention and…" Adam's sentence trails off and we fall into silence.

We sit there for a while and no one says anything, the longer we sit in silence the sadder and more worried everyone becomes. Eli's parents watch the clock, the second hand ticking away seems almost to memorize them. At least until a doctor comes in, she's removed her mask but she's still wearing one of those surgery apron things.

"Mr. and Mrs. Goldsworthy," she says quietly and Eli's parents get up. They walk to the hall but we can see them through the doorway. The doctor says something and Eli's mom collapses, she's crying and shaking and we just know.

"He's dead," Adam whispers before he begins crying. I hold my brother as he cries on my shoulder. All I can think about is the moment Eli ran out into the street and wonder if Clare's mind will survive hearing the news or if she'll snap like Eli did?

 **(CLARE)**

"Come Clare let's get you home," Mom says. I hear her and yet I don't hear her. Like hearing the TV from the other room, I hear the words I know what she says yet they don't sink in because they are not part of my reality at the moment.

"She's welcome to sleep here I'm sure Drew wouldn't mind sleeping on the sofa in the basement for the night," Audra offers. Again I hear the words and know what they're saying and yet it's like they're in a different plane of existence.

"No the best thing is for her to be at home," Mom insists and comes over pulling at my hand. I sit up and let her pull me, let her bring me to my feet, let her walk me down the stairs. My body makes the movements but my mind only sees Eli in the road surrounded by blood and his body twisted.

Mom gets me down to the car and says something to Audra and then we begin driving. Mom continues talking as she drives but I don't really hear her anymore, I hear that she's talking but the words aren't distinguishable any longer. Then she stops at the intersection where The Dot is and the road that leads to the school. She's at the stop sign and still talking but all I see is the blood on the road and the tire marks. I start shaking, my nails dig into my palms and I feel like I can't breathe. I unbuckle my seatbelt and jump out of the car, I take off running.

"CLARE," Mom yells but I don't care I just don't want to be here and my instinct says to run so I run.

I keep running, down the street and into the ravine and keep running until I can no longer breathe. My lungs burn, I stop running holding a tree trunk and take deep breaths, then I sink down into the dirt. I sit there for a while looking at the dirt around my shoes. I'm not sure how long I sit there; I'm so lost in my head that it doesn't feel like any time at all. I start to hear voices not too far from me and it occurs to me that I'm near the spot that the kids hang out. I get up and walk toward the voices, I thought I heard Dallas and Owen, but I'm too far away to hear the voices clearly it's hard to tell. I see the fire in the fire pit and can distinguish conversations now, but no longer hear Owen or Dallas so maybe I didn't hear them at all. I walk over and sit down in lawn chair near the fire pit.

"Clare?" I know the voice, recognize it but I can't place who it belongs to and can't seem to turn my head to see who it is. "What're you doing here? Are you okay? You don't look like you feel well," he says and I realize the voice belongs to Zig.

"I feel like my world has collapsed. I don't want to feel this way. I want to feel…nothing."

"I'll get you something to make you feel better," Zig tells me. He gets up and walks to some other kids, most of whom I recognize from school. Zig comes back and hands me a plastic cup with some clear liquid and I drink from it. I drink the whole thing in one gulp, at first I feel nothing and then I feel…floaty. Floaty and light, not quite happy but I don't feel like I'm lost in darkness anymore and finally the vision of Eli getting hit and lying in the road leaves my head. "Feeling better?" Zig asks taking the empty cup.

"Yes can I have more? I like this feeling."

"I don't think you should have anymore right now," Zig says.

I don't even know what he gave me, I don't care right now. All I care about is that I don't feel anything. I'm numb and I'm not thinking about Eli on the pavement. I sit looking at the fire for a few minutes and then I shiver feeling a sudden rush of cold.

"He's dead," I whisper, "I killed him! I should have talked to him. I don't want to feel this way."

"I can make you feel good," Zig whispers brushing a strand of hair out of my face, "come with me."

 **(DALLAS)**

"Hang on something's going on upstairs maybe Drew and Adam are back," I tell Alli and go upstairs with the phone still in my hand. Instead of Drew and Adam I find Clare's mom.

"Helen she's not here," Audra says.

"You heard from Clare?" I ask Alli hanging out on the staircase to hear the conversation without being seen by Helen.

"No, nothing what's going on?" Alli questions worried about her friend.

"I think Clare is missing."

"Jenna and I will go look for her, call you later," Alli tells me before hanging up.

"She ran out of the car near The Dot. She didn't go home," Helen says and she sounds frustrated more than concerned really.

"Well she didn't come back here you would have seen her while driving," Audra replies and the doorbell rings. I'm closest so I come up from the steps and open the front door.

"Officer Turner," I nod to him letting him in.

"Hi Dallas, hello Audra, Helen," he greets them. "I came to get statements from Drew and Clare because they were involved."

"Drew took Adam to the hospital to check on Eli and Clare i…"

"Clare ran, she was in my car and she ran out when we in front of The Dot."

"I'll speak with them tomorrow. I'm sure Clare's upset and just needs some time," Officer Turner tries telling Helen.

"Alli and Jenna are out looking for Clare I'll go look for her too," I tell Helen.

"Thank you Dallas," Audra says.

I nod and turn going downstairs to get my shoes. I get them on and leave the basement, if she ran out near The Dot then she can't be too far and it only takes a few moments for me to get to The Dot. I see a lot of kids, a few cops still and evidence of an accident.

"Hey Dallas what's going on?" Owen says coming over with a blonde guy I've never seen before. "Did something happen here?"

"Yeah Eli stepped in front of truck when Clare wouldn't talk to him. He's in critical at the hospital and Drew took Adam to go see him. Clare was here when it happened she kind of snapped. She was at our place but Helen came to get her and she ran out of the car. So now she's missing, Alli and Jenna are out looking and I said I'd look too since it was better than sitting at our place and listening to Helen bitch."

"Clare Edwards?" The blonde one asks.

"Yeah you missed her epic romance with Eli. We'll look for her too maybe she ran to the school or something. Johnny, Dallas, Dallas Johnny," Owen introduces us and I nod to him.

"Helen said she jumped out at this intersection but she didn't come back to our place and I doubt she went home."

"We'll look with you," Johnny tells me.

"Cool," I nod.

We look in The Dot first but Clare's not here, then we walk down to the school, the school is locked up and the janitor says he hasn't seen anyone inside. Doesn't necessarily mean she's not in the school as there are lots of places to hide but the janitor won't let us in to look even though Owen works there now. Owen and Johnny lead the way through the ravine since they know it better. We don't see Clare but we see some kids that go to DeGrassi hanging out around a fire.

"Anyone seen Clare Edwards?" Johnny asks.

"Nope," Zig shakes his head.

"If she comes by let us know," I tell them but no one really says anything.

"Come on let's walk to her house," I comment and we leave the kids.

We take the ravine most of the way figuring Clare is as far away from people as she can get. We don't see her though and she's not at her house. Johnny even breaks in through the back to make sure but no one's home. We start walking back to The Dot and I hear my message alert sound. I find a text from Drew when I pull my phone out of my pocket, it's not good news.

"Eli's dead, Drew and Adam are on their way home."

"Eli's dead and Clare is missing," Owen sighs, "why do I get the feeling this is not going to turn out well?"

 **Since it's short story month you only have to wait a few days to find out what happened to Clare. The update on Tuesday the 19** **th** **will begin in either Clare or Zig's pov.**


	2. Numb

**It's pretty short again, too much going on at work but thankfully it's short story month so the next chapter is just a few days away.**

 **Ch. 2 Numb**

 **(ZIG)**

"Where are we?" Clare questions when I unlock the door of the apartment building.

"Where I live," I tell her.

"Who's the babe?" Vince questions when I unlock the door to our apartment. He's sitting on the sofa watching TV and counting his drug money.

"I know you," Clare mumbles looking at Vince as I begin pulling her back to the room I share with Tiny, "I know him."

"Yeah that's Vince," I reply bringing her into my room and locking the door. She lies on my bed and I lie next to her. "Open your mouth," I command and she does without question, I take a tab from my nightstand and place it on her tongue. "It will melt," I inform her and she closes her mouth again.

I wait a few minutes for the tab to take effect, or for her to start convulsing because I overdosed her, not really sure the combo I gave her is safe. When she closes her eyes and just sort of giggles and moans after a few minutes I figure it's taken effect. I tug her shirt up and kiss her belly and all she does is giggle. I pull it up a little farther and lift her bra at the same time. She doesn't do anything, just lies there and when I kiss her breasts she kind of giggles again and then mutters something. When I look at her she seems to be seeing something on the ceiling but she's much too high to notice what I'm doing. I fondle her breasts for a while, kissing them, squeezing them, licking them, sucking hard and she never does anything. She doesn't seem to even notice she's just laughing about whatever she sees on the ceiling.

I manage to get her dress off and then her bra. Her breasts are so big, Tori's were small and she only let me see them once. I squeeze both of Clare's breasts in my hands, I squeeze them hard and tweak her nipples sucking on them. I'm rather fascinated by her nipples, I can pull them and suck on them and make them red and bigger and I can poke them in. I'm entertained by them for a long time but before I get her panties down she starts shaking a little and then groans curling on her side.

"I don't feel so good, my head hurts," Clare whines.

"I'll get you some water but I know you shouldn't have aspirin with everything else," I comment getting off the bed.

"So who is she?" Vince asks as I grab a glass of water.

"A girl from school, she's probably sleeping here."

Vince just shrugs and I go back in to give Clare the water. I give her the glass and she groans a little more and then passes out. I make sure she's breathing before I go out and watch TV with Vince. I check on Clare a few times to make sure she's still alive but she's no fun when she's unconscious.

"Eli killed himself in front of The Dot today," Tiny informs us when he comes home.

"That's what she was talking about when she said he's dead," I remark and Tiny looks at me. "Clare's in the bedroom, she's sleeping here. She wanted to be numb so I gave her some morphine in her drink and some E when we got here to make her feel better. She's passed out now. So is school cancelled tomorrow because Eli offed himself? I always knew that guy was nuts."

"I doubt it; I didn't hear that school was cancelled only that he killed himself because of her."

"Fuck see I told you fucking nuts," I laugh.

Tiny looks in the bedroom to see that Clare is really here before he sits on the sofa with us. We watch TV and eat snacks until deciding to go to bed. Clare is still asleep when I go to bed and she wakes up early I don't even feel her leave the bed but I notice she's out of the bed. When I go out to the living room I find Clare in my shirt eating cereal.

"I couldn't find my clothes and I was hungry," she tells me.

"It's fine, feeling better?"

"I don't know what I feel. What did you give me yesterday?"

"Does it matter?"

"Not really," she shakes her head.

She finishes her cereal, I get her clothes from the bedroom and she gets dressed in the washroom. She never even asks why she's undressed or if anything happened last night, maybe she remembers it's hard to tell.

"I should get ho…" she begins to say home and then starts crying and shaking, it's like she just crumbles at the thought of going home which is a little strange to me. "I need to change," she whispers after a second.

"Are your parents home?" I inquire and she nods. "Then they probably wouldn't let me come in to get you clothes. I know a decent thrift store we can get some clothes for you if you don't want to go to your house."

"I don't have my purse."

"Hang on," I reply and go to Vince's room. "Hey Vince, I need some cash to get Clare some clothes."

"Dude it's fucking early just take some cash but you better put it back or get it paid back somehow," Vince grumbles.

I grab $40 from the stash and tell Clare I'm going to get dressed. When I'm dressed we leave, the thrift store is a few blocks away but Clare finds a dress and I pay for it then we catch the bus to school. When we near the corner with The Dot Clare hides her head on my shoulder and doesn't look up until I tell her we're here. It's probably a good thing she wasn't looking at that corner because there was a lot of flowers and posters for Eli. If she had seen them she probably would have freaked out. Although when we get off the bus I see there's some flowers and posters here too. Clare gets off the bus and sees the flowers and she freezes. She's a few steps ahead of me when she freezes and I start to walk to her but Owen comes over so I walk past her.

 **(CLARE)**

"Clare, where were you everyone's been worried," Owen tells me but I can't take my eyes from the flowers and posters on the steps for Eli.

"He's dead, he's dead, he's dead," I say over and over again. I can't seem to stop, Owen looks behind me at the flowers and things and then puts an arm around my shoulders. "Come on we can go in this way," he tells me taking me to the garden entrance. "You don't have to be here I'm sure everyone would understand if you went home," Owen comments as we go inside.

"Can't go home, he was there, I'll see him there, can't go home," I shake my head.

"I'll be here all day, if you need to get out of here or anything just come get me. Armstrong will be cool if I need to get you out of here," Owen says bringing me to my locker.

"Thanks," I reply quietly trying to smile at Owen but I can't seem to get my lips to curl into a smile.

Owen does give me a compassionate smile before walking away. I start to open my locker but I hear kids in the hall whispering. Talking about Eli and me and what happened yesterday.

"She wouldn't even talk to him and he killed himself for her."

"She pushed him in front of the truck because he cheated on her."

"She broke up with Eli to date Drew and when she wouldn't get back together with Eli he threw himself in front of a truck."

The whispering is going all down the halls, the rumors floating down the halls like the wind and I feel like everyone is watching me. And then I hear Eli, his voice whispering in my ear, I turn my head and see him standing there. Leaning against the locker next to mine and smirking like he's done a thousand times.

"You killed me Clare."

"I'm sorry," I cry and begin to shake.

The sound of another locker slamming shut startles me and I blink. When I look back Eli is gone and I run. I don't know where I'm going I just run, I want to get away. I run to the student council office and sink down to the sofa. I can't seem to stop crying or shaking and I can't stop hearing Eli whisper to me.

"Clare where'd you go last night?" Adam asks sitting next to me but I'm crying too hard to answer and just shake my head.

"Come on you shouldn't be here we'll take you home," Drew says.

"No," I assert standing up quickly, "no I'm fine I don't need to go home." I wipe the tears from my eyes and start walking out of the student council office.

"Okay let's go to class then," Drew remarks with a hand on my arm.

I only now realize that Dallas is here too and the four of us walk to homeroom together because we all have the same one. I don't have my backpack or purse or anything but the teacher doesn't care. All through class I don't hear the teacher once, I either hear the rumors and whispers or I hear Eli's voice and see him. I see him, he's there, smirking at me or telling me he loves me or that I killed him but only I see him.

"I have to use the washroom," I tell Adam when we leave class. He and I have biology next but Drew and Dallas have gym.

"Okay I'll see you in class," Adam says.

I walk in the direction of one the washrooms but have no intention of going into the washroom. I look for Zig, I haven't any idea what class he has but I find Tiny, I saw him this morning when I woke up this morning and Zig told me his name while we were getting my dress.

"Where's Zig?" I ask Tiny, he's talking with a girl that has long black hair she's streaked green.

"Probably his locker, we have English next," Tiny replies.

"Which one is his locker?" I ask. Tiny gives me his locker number and I walk quickly. "Zig," I say his name, he looks over and I run over taking his arm, "get me out of here, please I can't take this anymore. I don't want to be here; I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want what you gave me yesterday, I want to be numb and floaty again."

"Okay let's go," Zig replies taking my hand and we walk out just as the bell rings and everyone else goes to class. We leave through the back and walk to the ravine. Zig kicks a couple of kids out of the car seat they use for seating and I sit down. "You want me to mix it in a drink again?" Zig asks and I shake my head. "I'm not sure we have any oral and I doubt you want a needle. Wait here I'll see what's around but I promise to bring you something to make you feel good."

"Thanks," I mumble and sink back.

Zig returns with a little white pill and a glass of water, I swallow the pill and curl up on the seat putting my head on Zig's shoulder. It's not as fast as what he gave me yesterday, I watch the fire and try not to think while the drug takes effect. And then it begins to, I begin to feel floaty and numb and off somewhere else I'm not me anymore, no pain, no guilt no rumors, no Eli.

"Come on let's go have some more fun," Zig tells me pulling me up.

I'm vaguely aware that he takes me to one of the little tents and lies me down. I feel his hand go up my dress, I feel him opening the buttons on it but I don't care. I don't care at all what happens to me right now as long as the pain and the guilt is gone.

 **The update on Sunday will likely begin in Owen's pov and hopefully be longer as I don't work on Sundays.**


	3. I Need a Fix Because I'm Going Down

**It's a bit short again been a busy weekend and I had an unexpected visit from a friend today.**

 **Ch. 3 I Need a Fix Because I'm Going Down**

 **(OWEN)**

"Hey Owen," Adam calls and I look over as he runs up, "have you seen Clare? She never came to biology."

"No I was about to grab something to eat before heading to campus I'll look around a bit," I tell him.

"Thanks, we'll check the school I'm going to tell the others she never came to class," Adam says and walks off.

I leave the school and check the ravine first, if you go to DeGrassi and you don't want to be at school you're most likely at the ravine or The Dot. I walk to the ravine and see some kids hanging out around the fire pit, they all go to DeGrassi or did go to DeGrassi but none of them are Clare.

"Anyone see Clare Edwards come by here?"

"Yeah she's here, but she's busy," one of the kids replies.

"Where is she?" I demand and he points to the back where the tents are. I walk back and find one couple sleeping and then see Clare's curls underneath some black hair. I take a fist of the black hair and pull him up. "Zig? You asshole what are you doing?" I demand tossing him aside. When I look at Clare she's unconscious, her dress is pulled up and the buttons on it are open. "What the hell are you doing?"

"She didn't mind," Zig replies with a smirk. I reel back and punch him as hard as I can and he goes down.

"I knew you were an ass, I'm glad Maya never dated you," I growl at him before picking up Clare and tossing her over my shoulder. I leave the ravine for my car, putting Clare in the backseat and I start driving. I get out my phone and call Johnny while I'm driving. "Hey are you home?"

"Yeah just got here what's up?"

"I'm bringing Clare to our place, I have to get to class but she needs to be watched," I tell him and hang up.

I park and pick Clare up over my shoulder again walking upstairs. I unlock our door and take Clare in lying her on the sofa. Johnny comes out of his room and looks at her just as I put her down.

"What the hell happened to her?" Johnny demands.

"Adam said she didn't come to class. I found her in the ravine like that, unconscious, half-dressed and him on top of her. She's high on something but I have no idea what. She needs to be watched and I have to get to class. I'll be back in a couple of hours, if anything happens call me I'll keep my phone on vibrate. I'll call Drew on my way to class so they know she's here."

Johnny nods and kneels down by Clare looking in her eyes. Johnny will know what to do he's been around lots of high people before I'm sure he's taken care of a few. I leave and get back in my car driving to class but call Drew on the way.

"Did you find her?" Drew asks.

"Yeah she was at the ravine I brought her to my place. Johnny is watching her; she'll be okay…I think."

"What do you mean you think?"

"She's unconscious, high on something but I have no idea what."

"Fuck, I'm calling off student council and Adam can blow off fourth and we'll come over."

"Good, I'll get there about the same time I'm coming back after class. I gotta go I'm about to head back into class."

"We'll see you later," Drew replies and we hang up.

It's hard to sit through class and listen, and concentrate. I keep thinking about Clare and how I found her, what Zig was doing to her and I want to hit him again. As soon as class is over I leave and drive home. Clare is still unconscious on the sofa, whatever she took has her knocked out good.

"She's breathing but she's out, I've been checking about every three minutes and forcing some water into her because whatever she took was strong. As long as she's breathing all we can do is wait until she wakes up," Johnny tells me with a worried tone.

"Drew and Adam are coming over."

"Good more people to keep an eye on her," Johnny says and then there's a knock on the door. I open the door to let Drew and Adam in. Johnny did put a blanket on her so you can't see that she was half dressed anymore.

"You found her like this?" Adam asks kneeling beside her and taking her hand.

"Yeah at the ravine with Zig," I reply.

"Zig? What was he doing with Clare?" Adam questions.

"When I found them he was molesting her," I inform them and everyone tenses up.

"I'll kill him," Johnny growls.

"Save me a piece," Adam says and Drew nods.

Drew and Adam stay for a while, for the first few minutes we talk about killing Zig. Then we're silent and then we start doing homework and check on Clare every few minutes. I order us pizza for dinner and Clare's still out. After dinner Drew and Adam decide they'd better get home.

"I'll text Clare's mom and tell her Clare's safe, I won't say where she is but I'll let her mom know she's safe," Adam comments.

"If she wakes up or gets worse call us," Drew says and we nod.

Johnny and I stay up for a while watching TV and Clare but when she's not awake by ten and she's displayed no other signs of overdose Johnny moves her into his room. He'll sleep on the sofa tonight and if she leaves his room we'll both hear her. I sleep with my door open just to be safe. After sleeping for a couple of hours I hear Johnny's door open and Clare comes out. She's fixed the buttons on her dress, neither me nor Johnny wanted to do that because of where they were open.

"Owen?" She asks rubbing her eyes groggily.

"Yeah and before you ask you're at mine and Johnny's place," I enlighten her.

"How'd I get here? I was at the ravine with Zig," she replies just as Johnny joins us in the hallway.

"Yeah at the ravine unconscious, high and getting molested by Zig," I reply.

"And you should have just left me there," Clare replies. She kind of snaps at me but there's something in her tone, a sort of sadness and guilt.

"I wasn't going to leave you there to be molested by Zig while you were unconscious," I reply with a tone that's sharper than I intended.

"I don't care what Zig was doing. I killed Eli, I deserve whatever happens to me SO JUST LEAVE ME ALONE," she screams turning around. She goes back into Johnny's room slamming the door and I look at Johnny.

"That's not good," Johnny comments. He walks past me trying to open the door but Clare has it locked. "Clare open the door," Johnny calls knocking on it.

"GO AWAY," she screams back at us.

"She locked the door it's not like she can go anywhere. She's bound to need the washroom or get hungry and when she comes out again we'll talk to her," I tell Johnny when he looks like he's going to try and bust the door open.

He nods and we go back to bed. I stay awake for a time, expecting Clare to come out at any moment but she doesn't and eventually I fall asleep again. I wake up the next morning when I hear Johnny in the washroom and I get up. I check his room and find it still locked.

"She must have fallen asleep again too," I comment to Johnny. He grabs a hanger from my room, straightening the hook end and uses it to pick the lock. The door opens but the room is empty and the window is open. We run to the window and look down.

"She went down the fire escape but the bottom is rusted so unless she turned into Catwoman it's a ten foot drop," Johnny says hitting his hand on the windowsill.

"I'll call Tris he might know where Zig lives," I remark going into my room to get my phone.

"Owen it's early what's going on?" Tris yawns.

"Do you know where Zig lives?"

"Why?"

"Just answer the question Tris."

"No I have no idea, he never let me see where he lives, he never even let Tori. Owen what is it?"

"I'll tell you later I have to call Drew," I reply and hang up before calling Drew.

"What happened?" Drew asks when he answers.

"She's gone, went out the fire escape. I think she went to Zig's or maybe the ravine. Tris doesn't know where Zig lives but I might be able to find out from the school computer. I'll check the ravine when I get there."

"We're all up, we'll come too," Drew says.

"Okay see you in a bit," I reply and hang up.

"I'm coming with you, I'll miss class but I want to find Clare," Johnny says from my doorway he must have been listening.

"I'm leaving in five," I tell him.

"I'll be ready in two."

 **(CLARE)**

"GO AWAY," I scream at Owen and Johnny when they remain outside the door.

I hear them talking but it's too quiet for me to make out what they're saying. After a moment I hear them walk away down the hall. I sit on Johnny's bed and curl up, I'm shaking slightly and I can feel again. I don't want to feel, I don't want to think, I want to be numb again. I want to forge that Eli is dead. Staying here won't do that and I want to leave. If I try to go through the front door I'm sure Owen and Johnny will stop me again. When I look out the window I see a fire escape connected to the other window so I open that one and climb out. When I get down to the bottom I find the fire escape won't extend down all the way, which doesn't seem very safe but I'm not going to climb back up. I get down as far as I can and then swing out and kind of jump. I still don't make a very graceful landing, I land on my leg hitting it pretty hard and scraping it on the asphalt and catching myself with my hands. I come down on my left wrist too hard and feel a shooting pain go through my arm. I ignore it and get up.

I have no idea where Owen and Johnny live because I haven't been to their apartment before. So I just start walking. I find a street I recognize and after walking a bit a woman asks if I need help. I tell her I had a fight with my parents and am trying to get to my boyfriend's house and she offers me a ride. I know where Zig's apartment is and tell her as much as I can. We're able to find the building and I thank her for the ride. It takes me a minute to find the right apartment but I'm able to and I knock on the door. No one answers but it is pretty late, still I knock louder and eventually hear footsteps. After a second Vince throws the door open, he looks angry and he has a gun in his hand although it is pointed down.

"What the fuck are you doing here so late?" Vince grumbles.

"Sorry I don't have Zig's number; you're not going to shoot me for that are you?"

"I didn't think anyone friendly would be knocking on the door this late," he responds putting the gun behind his back as he lets me in.

"You shot Adam," I comment as he closes the door.

"Yeah but I wasn't aiming at Adam," he replies locking the door. "ZIG YOUR GIRL'S HERE GIVE HER YOUR FUCKING NUMBER WILL YOU," Vince yells and Zig comes out of his room.

"Sorry," he yawns.

"You two take my room I want some fucking sleep," Vince says going into Zig and Tiny's room.

"I don't even have my phone, it's in my backpack in my locker still," I comment when we're alone.

"We can get it tomorrow," Zig replies.

"I don't want to go to school tomorrow, I can't. I killed Eli and they all know it. And Eli is there, I see him and I hear him and he's there and I'm not crazy!"

"I don't think you're crazy. You want to feel numb again?" Zig asks and I nod.

He takes my hand pulling me into Vince's room, turning off the living room lights and turning on the light in Vince's room. Zig starts looking through a chest in Vince's room and I open Vince's drawer pulling out a t-shirt.

"You think Vince will mind if I borrow this?" I ask Zig.

"If he does just show him your boobs and he'll forget," Zig replies.

I take the shirt, take off my dress and put the shirt on before taking off my shoes. I sit on the bed and Zig brings me another little white pill which I swallow without water. I lie down on the bed and Zig lies next to me.

"How come you live here and not at home?" I ask Zig.

"My parents kicked me out," he replies with a shrug.

"I haven't spoken to my mom since yesterday…or I guess Monday as it's technically Wednesday now."

"You think she's worried about you?" Zig asks and I shake my head. "Do you want to go home?" He asks and I shake my head again.

"I just want to not feel anything," I reply.

"The pill will take care of that."

"I don't want to go to school tomorrow," I tell him as the pill begins to make me numb.

"So we'll stay home," Zig shrugs.

"I don't want to see Eli anymore. Anytime I'm anywhere that Eli has been I see him, I see him and he's there and I don't want to see him anymore."

"Do you see him when you're numb?"

"No I don't really see or feel or hear anything, it's peaceful."

"Then just keep taking the pills," Zig replies as I begin to go totally numb.

Zig lifts my t-shirt and bra and starts fondling my breasts but I don't care. I don't care about anything as long as I'm numb I don't care what Zig does.

 **The next update Friday the 29** **th** **will likely start with Owen and the others getting to the school and looking for Clare.**


	4. Not Crazy

**Just a few days of Short Story Month left.**

 **It's a little short tonight.**

 **Ch. 4 Not Crazy**

 **(ZIG)**

"Feeling numb yet?" I ask Clare.

She's curled up to me on the sofa watching TV. Vince is out either selling drugs or with his gang. Tiny is at school, Vince makes him go because if he doesn't go then the Children's Aide worker comes by to see why Tiny isn't going. Since no one knows I'm living here besides Tiny, Vince and his gang I don't have to go to school and Clare doesn't want to go to school. So we stayed home all day yesterday and today, being today is Friday tomorrow is the weekend so there is no school.

"A little, can I have more?" She replies quietly.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea, don't want you to O.D. but maybe some morphine will help. I think there's some vials around here somewhere," I comment moving her so I can get up. I start looking through apartment and find some vials of morphine in the washroom. "I'll have to inject you," I tell her grabbing a clean needle and unwrapping it. Clare doesn't speak or move, just sits there gazing at the TV. I take it over and draw some from the vial into the needle. She holds out her arm and I find a vein, she hisses and bites her lip. When I take the needle away she lies down. I set the stuff down and put her head in my lap. We stay that way until the door opens and Tiny comes in.

"Eli's funeral is tomorrow. They're expecting Clare to go a…"

"No," Clare says sitting up quickly, "no I can't go. I can't."

"No one will force you Clare," I assure her.

"I can't go to his funeral, I killed him, I killed him," she mutters over and over as she starts rocking back and forth.

"You don't have to. Why don't you go take a bath, a nice hot one," I tell her. Clare nods and gets up going into the washroom.

"People are worried about her Zig we can't hide her hear forever. Adam, Drew and Owen ask about her every day," Tiny tells me as he sits down.

"So tell them she's fine," I respond.

"She's not fine and you know it."

"Her ex died she's coping. Vince isn't complaining so what do you care?"

"She shouldn't be here Zig. Does Vince know how much product she's using?"

"Eh I'll pay it back," I shrug standing up to go in the washroom. I still hear the water but maybe I'll join Clare in the bath. "Clare it's me I'm coming in," I call knocking on the door before opening it. Clare doesn't answer and when I have the door open I see why, she's submerged under the water. The water is still running but she's under it and she doesn't look like she's breathing. "SHIT," I shout out pulling her out of the water. She's still not breathing, I pull her out to the floor and turn off the water. "TINY," I holler for him and he comes running. "Call 911," I tell Tiny when he appears in the doorway.

"Fuck," Tiny exhales getting out his phone.

"Clare, Clare wake up," I say frantically and slap here across the face. It's the only thing I can think to do, it works in the movies. Clare doesn't move, she's not breathing but I feel a slight pulse. Tiny is talking frantically to the 911 operator.

"Give her mouth to mouth, I need to clean up the apartment," Tiny says setting the phone down.

"I don't know have to give mouth to mouth," I comment as Tiny begins hiding all evidence drugs and guns and other gang related stuff because the cops will probably be coming.

The 911 operator begins instructing me on how to give mouth to mouth. I do it a few times and then Clare coughs up some water, she rolls to her side and spits up the water. Then she starts coughing and shivering. The 911 operator keeps talking and Clare is still coughing, Tiny comes back in and puts a towel around Clare. A moment later the paramedics are knocking on the door so Tiny answers it while the 911 operator hangs up. The paramedics come in and get Clare on a gurney after looking at her for a second.

"Is anyone riding with us?" A paramedic asks.

"Yeah I'll go," I nod.

"Good you can tell us what she took," he replies as they start wheeling her out and I follow.

"She took some morphine, her boyfriend committed suicide in front of her the other day and she's not taking it too well," I tell them when we're in the ambulance and it's headed for the hospital.

"Is she suicidal?" He asks.

"I fell asleep in the tub," Clare replies in a raspy voice taking off her oxygen mask to do so.

"Keep that on your friend can answer the questions. How long was she out?"

"I don't know it couldn't have been long," I reply.

"How old is she?"

"Seventeen I think."

"How much morphine did she take?"

"It wasn't that much, just enough to take the edge off," I shoot back and the ambulance stops so we must be at the hospital.

They rush Clare in and I follow behind, they take her into a room, transferring her to a hospital bed while they tell the doctor's what happened. They take their oxygen and the hospital puts Clare on more oxygen. While they look at Clare and start treating her I figure I better get out of here and get home. If Vince finds cops at the house he'll kill us. Anyway she's at the hospital now and they'll take care of her. I back out of the room but instead of going out the emergency entrance I decide to go out the front and I'm walking that way when I bump into someone I know.

"Zig what are you doing here? Why haven't you been in school?"

"Gotta go Tris see you around," I reply running past him.

"ZIG," he calls after me but I keep running.

 **(JOHNNY)**

"Hey Tris what's up we're just about to…Clare's where…yeah we're on our way," Owen replies and hangs up. We were about to go grab some food but it looks like plans have changed.

"Where's Clare is she okay?" I question.

"No Tris says she's at the hospital," Owen replies.

"Did he say why?" I ask when we're in Owen's car and he's headed for the hospital.

"Something about Zig being involved and drugs and they think she tried to commit suicide," Owen tells me talking quickly.

"If I ever see this Zig kid I'm going to kill him," I growl.

"We'll find him and we'll kill him don't worry," Owen nods.

When we get to the hospital I follow Owen and we walk through the hospital until we see his brother standing outside a hospital room. We follow Tris into the room and see Clare, it looks like she's sleeping, she's got a heart monitor on and an IV but other than that she appears to be fine just sleeping.

"What happened?" I ask Tris.

"I'm not entirely sure, they wouldn't tell me much. I was here for my appointment and just as I was leaving I saw Zig. I tried to talk to him and he just ran out. I thought it was suspicious so I started walking the hospital, honestly I thought he'd stolen pharmaceuticals. Then I see Clare in the room and the doctor asked where the boy went that came in with her. From the description I knew it was Zig and I called you. They took some blood but they said she took some morphine and that she'd swallowed some water from the bathtub. I heard the nurse say they wanted a therapist to talk to her because they think she attempted suicide."

"I didn't want to hear him anymore," Clare says in hoarse voice. Apparently she's not asleep.

"Didn't want to hear who anymore?" Owen asks her.

"Eli, I didn't want to hear Eli anymore. I thought if I joined him…" she says and her sentence trails off. She looks away from us and closes her eyes the rest of us exchange a look because she did try to commit suicide.

"I'll go talk to the doctor and see if they'll tell me anything more. Maybe they'll tell me when she's getting released," Owen says before leaving the room.

"I'll go call Adam and tell him I found her," Tris tells me before he leaves the room.

When they're both gone I sit on the edge of Clare's bed and take her hand. She squeezes it and begins sobbing. I squeeze her hand and hold it with both of mine. Owen comes back in the room and says they're keeping her overnight for observation and she'll be released in the morning but they want her to speak to a psychologist.

"I'm not talking to a psychologist. I'm not crazy," Clare responds in a strong voice between her sobs.

"No one thinks you're crazy Clare," Owen tells her.

"You went through something tragic Clare. What Eli did, what you saw would affect anyone. No one thinks you're crazy we're just worried about you," I assure her.

"The Torres family is on their way," Tris informs us when he comes back in.

"No," Clare shakes her head pulling at her IV and trying to get out of bed.

"What're you doing?" Owen and I ask at the same time as we both push her back down and I get her IV back in.

"If they're coming then my mom is coming," Clare says.

"Adam promised not to call your mom," Tris assuages her.

She calms down a little and then she just sort of shuts down. Curls on her side and begins sobbing. She's still doing it when the Torres family, including Dallas, arrives. She won't look at them and won't stop crying so their visit is pretty short because the nurse kicks us all out.

"They're keeping her overnight for observation and I'm going to stay here. I don't want to leave her," I announce to everyone.

"Call me if anything happens," Adam requests.

"Yeah I will," I nod.

"We'll be back in the morning, I'm going to speak to the doctor and make sure we're called if anything happens and make sure they're doing everything they can for her," Mrs. Torres says then she and her husband walk away.

"I'll be back in the morning too, come on Tris I'll take you home," Owen comments and waves as he leaves with Tris.

Adam watches Clare through the doorway for a moment while the nurse is trying to calm Clare down. When Clare won't calm down the nurse leaves and comes back with something that she puts in Clare's IV. A couple minutes after that Clare falls asleep. A moment later the Torres family and Dallas leave. I spend all night in Clare's room watching her sleep until I fall asleep just before dawn. I wake up when I hear her moving around and find that she's turned off her IV and heart monitor and she's disconnecting everything.

"Clare what are you doing?"

"I'm leaving, I'm not talking to a psychiatrist, I don't want to be here. I'm going back to Zig's," she says taking the IV needle from her arm.

"If you'll come back to my place with me instead of running to Zig's than I'll help you get of here," I tell her.

She stops moving and looks at me, rolling her lip between her teeth as she considers this proposition. After a moment she nods and I help her with the rest of the equipment. She has no clothes at the hospital so I give her the hoodie I'm wearing and she puts it on. It's almost big enough to be a dress on her. I check the hall and when I see no one we leave. Of course we have no car so when we're a little bit away from the hospital I call Owen. He's half asleep still but when I tell him Clare insisted on leaving he wakes up and says he'll be right here. When Clare shivers I put my arms around her and try to warm her up. Owen arrives a moment later and we get in the car. As soon as we get back to our apartment Clare goes into my room and closes the door. It takes about two seconds for Owen and I to come to the same realization.

"The fire escape," we exclaim at the same time. We run to my room and throw open the door surprising Clare and she screams.

"What are you doing?" She demands.

"Sorry we thought you might go down the fire escape again," Owen apologizes scratching the back of his head uncomfortably.

"I'm wearing a hospital gown and your sweatshirt I don't even have shoes how far did you think I'd get? Besides last time I jumped from there I sprained my wrist, which really hurts now by the way," she says.

"I'll grab you some aspirin and then call Adam so he knows you're okay," Owen comments and turns to go to the washroom.

"I can go to your house and get you clothes. A black dress maybe?" I prod and she slumps down a little.

"I can't go," she shakes her head.

Owen comes in and gives Clare some aspirin and some water. She takes the aspirin and he goes out to call Adam and let him know Clare's here.

"Clare you need to say goodbye to Eli, you need to know that he's dead and that it's not him whispering to you. You've been through a trauma Clare, you're mixed up. Your emotions and your thoughts are going haywire and mixing together. It doesn't mean you're crazy it means you need time and saying goodbye is a good first step. I'll be there with you, so will Owen, Adam, Drew and everyone else. I know you're strong enough to do this and if you can't stay we'll understand," I encourage her.

"No I killed Eli they won't want me there," she shakes her head.

"Clare you didn't kill Eli, he committed suicide. He made the decision to cheat on you and he made the decision to kill himself. You didn't push him in front of the truck. Eli took his own life Clare; he did that not you. You need to know that Clare."

She curls up and lies on the bed sobbing lightly, I watch her for a second wondering what I should do. My instinct tells me to hold her but I'm not sure I should do that or if she'd just push me away. Then she sits up and wipes her tears away.

"If you can find me something to wear I'll go but you have to stay with me," she asserts.

"I will," I promise her.

"And you have to promise that you'll get me out of there if I want to leave."

"I promise."

I call to Owen and ask him to find her a dress to wear to the funeral. I don't want to leave Clare. Owen makes a couple phone calls and says Adam is bringing her something. Adam, Drew and Dallas show up about thirty minutes later and Adam has a dress for Clare he tells her came from Alli and Jenna. They're already dressed for the funeral so while Clare changes in the washroom I change and so does Owen. Then we all go to the funeral together, Clare gets out of the car and grips my hand.

"You can do this," I remind her, "I'll be with you the whole time."

 **The next update will be Thursday August 18** **th** **and that will be the last chapter for this story. It will probably pick up from right here and in Clare's pov.**


	5. Still Trying to Get Both Feet Back onto

**Welcome to this last chapter. It's just a bit on the short side but it is a last chapter.**

 **DeGrassi Saviors note: Readers of dragonsprit's stories he will soon be updating his DeGrassi stories so keep an eye on the website for more news.**

 **Ch. 5 Still Trying to Get Both Feet Back onto the Ground**

 **(JOHNNY)**

We get out of the car and I put my arm around Clare as we begin walking through the cemetery where Eli's memorial is being held. He was cremated and his family is going to spread his ashes somewhere important to him. There's no burial but there is a plaque, a place for people to come and pay their respects, a place for his family to visit and lay flowers.

"I change my mind I can't do this. I can't look his parents in the eye they must hate me," Clare says stopping suddenly.

"They don't hate you Clare, they don't blame you at all. They'll be glad you're here," Adam assures her as he comes up behind us and puts a hand on her shoulder.

She looks at all of us, we all smile at her and she takes Adam's hand we walk over to the gathering crowd. Jenna and Alli come over and hug Clare before standing near Dallas. There's a lot of people here, I recognize Simpson and a couple other teachers from DeGrassi, a lot of students probably from DeGrassi but I also see a couple with NYU sweatshirts or bags, even one guy with an NYU lapel pin.

Clare sees everyone and does her best to hide behind me and Owen but we don't let her. We each put an arm around her, hug her slightly to remind her that we're here. Mrs. Dawes goes up to the podium and welcomes everyone to this gathering for Eli, she says a few words about the tragedy of young deaths, suicide and never giving up. Then Miss Dawes reads a couple of Eli's favorite poems and Clare begins to tear up. When Miss Dawes reads a poem Eli wrote himself Clare kind of loses it and turns into me sobbing heavily on my chest. Simpson says a few words, then Adam speaks about his friend and Clare continues to bawl on my chest but she stays and listens. When another student from NYU begins to talk Clare tugs at my shirt.

"I want to go now, I can't stay any longer," she tells me.

"Okay then we'll leave," I reply and look at Owen and he nods.

We leave quietly, Adam and the others know why we're leaving and understand, hopefully Eli's parents do as well. We get back in the car and Owen drives us back to the apartment. Clare sits on the sofa and curls her knees up to her chest.

"That didn't help at all I don't feel any better," she remarks.

"At least you went, you may not realize it now but I think I did help and you can say goodbye to Eli in your own way and your own time," I tell her sitting next to her.

"Are you hungry or anything?" Owen asks but Clare just shakes her head.

"I feel kind of sick, can I lie down in your bed?" She asks.

"Of course," I smile. She gives me a small grin and gets up going into my room and closing the door. "I am hungry," I comment and Owen nods in agreement.

"I'll order a pizza."

Owen orders pizza and breadsticks, I turn on the TV and then while waiting for the pizza we both change out of funeral clothes into comfortable clothes. Clare looks up when I come in the room before closing her eyes again as I grab clothes. I pay for the pizza when it arrives and just as we start eating Adam calls to check on Clare but she's sleeping. He asks that she call him when she wake up and I tell him I'll pass the message on. Clare sleeps for a couple of hours and then runs out of the room to the washroom and we hear her tossing her cookies, Owen and I look at each other.

"Withdrawals," Owen and I say together.

"You okay? You want some water?" I ask her.

"No I don't want water, I need more of what Zig gave me," she says rinsing her mouth and spitting it in the sink.

"No you don't Clare, your body is going through with withdrawals. It's going to suck for a couple of days but I'll be here with you," I tell her. She's sweating and shaking slightly, she tries to walk past me but I hold onto her.

"No I need to find Zig and get more…more…"

"You don't even know what he gave you Clare. I guarantee whatever it was you don't need more of it. You should have some water and lie down again," I assert holding onto her tightly despite the fact that she's fighting me.

"No, no I need to go I don't want to lie down. I can't be here my mom's going to find me here," she shrieks in a voice laced with paranoia.

"Your mom doesn't know you're here Clare, she's been told that you're safe and that's all. There's no way she can find you here," I insist to her.

"Johnny's right Clare she couldn't and even if she somehow did we'd never let her in," Owen assures her. "And I know you don't want to drink water but you're going to," Owen informs her.

He gets her legs while I keep hold of her arms and we get her to the sofa. We physically have to hold her down and force the water down her throat. Owen's been around plenty of high and drunk people but he's never seen this part of things. I can see that he's a little scared but he's holding it in and not showing Clare. I on the other hand have seen this part, I've actually been through this part myself. Her body and mind are working against her right now, making her think she needs more drugs and nothing else. I know withdrawal symptoms are different depending on the dependency and the person so we'll need to be prepared for nearly anything.

After we get some water into her we let her go and she starts pacing the apartment. She paces for a while and then sits and just shakes and then she'll get up and pace again. She does that for about an hour and I remember Adam wanted her to call but she's in no shape to call him.

"Can you watch her for a few minutes while I call Adam?" I ask Owen.

"Yeah I got her no worries," Owen says looking back at Clare.

She's sitting on the window seat rocking back and forth and talking to herself. As long as she's not trying to run or hurt herself we'll just let her do what she feels like and let the withdrawal run its course. I get up and go into my bedroom getting out my phone and calling Adam.

"Is she okay? Why didn't she call?" Adam asks frantically when he answers.

"She's going through withdrawals, we're keeping an eye on her. It's not pretty but she's okay, she just needs to get this out of her system."

"I want to come over and keep an eye on her too."

"I don't think that's a good idea Adam."

"I'm going to feel better if I'm there watching her than if I'm at home wondering about it," Adam persists.

"Okay come on over but prepare yourself it could be ugly," I warn him.

"I'll be over soon," he says and hangs up.

I put my phone back in my pocket and go out to the living room. Clare is vomiting again, she hasn't exactly eaten much and it occurs to me that we're going to need to replace what she's losing.

"Adam's coming over to help watch her, when he gets here can you run out and get some sports drinks and stuff. She'll probably vomit again but we need to replace what she's losing as much as we can."

"Yeah no problem," Owen nods.

Clare spends about five minutes straight vomiting and then just slumps down in the washroom. She's shaking and sweating so I pick her up and take her into my room. I manage to get her under the covers when there's a knock on the door and Owen lets Adam in. Just as Adam comes in Clare gets out of the covers and runs back to the washroom to vomit again. She barely makes it and ends up throwing up in the tub instead of the toilet.

"I'm going to get her some sports drinks because she'll probably be doing that a lot, and we'll probably need to force them into her," Owen tells Adam.

Owen grabs his coat and leaves, Adam takes off his coat and watches Clare in the washroom. Clare slumps down again after vomiting and I realize she's the only one who didn't change but she doesn't really have clothes here. However, I'm sure that being in that dress can't be comfortable so I go into my room and pull out the most comfortable t-shirt I have and a pair of sweat shorts she should be able to wear.

"Clare you should change out of that dress," I tell her taking the clothes into the washroom. Adam is standing in the washroom doorway watching her tremble and sweat and listening to her groan. "Can you help her change? I don't think she'll be able to do it on her own the way she's shaking," I say to Adam handing him the clothes.

"Uh yeah," he nods slowly taking the clothes. I think he was a bit in shock at the actual sight of Clare in withdrawals but he snaps out of it. He steps in and closes the door and I hear Clare arguing with him a little about getting her undressed. He finally seems to convince her to let him help.

"I got a bunch, some protein shakes and bars too," Owen says setting the bags in the kitchen.

Adam comes out of the washroom and lays her dress over one of the stools in the kitchen. Clare is now in my clothes but she's just lying on the washroom floor so I go in and pick her up.

"No I'm just going to throw up again just leave me in here," Clare protests as I bring her out to the sofa.

"You probably will but you need to drink this to replace the fluids you're missing," I tell Clare.

Owen opens a bottle, puts a straw in it and gives it to Clare. She sniffs at it and makes a face before trying to hand it to Adam.

"Come on Clare you need to drink a little, a few sips please," Adam begs her shoving the bottle back at her.

She closes her eyes and takes a few sips, Owen gives her some water to drink and she sits with us for a moment. She almost looks like she's going to sleep again but she's shaking and sweating still. And then she gets up and starts pacing again, around the apartment mumbling a little before she throws up and we force her to drink more of the sports drink. This goes on all night, none of us really sleep we just sit up watching her. Finally at about eight she falls asleep and stays asleep, Owen and I should probably be sleeping too but we have something else on our minds.

"She'll probably sleep for another hour or two. We're going to find Zig and kill him but if you want someone else to be here with you if she wakes up again you can," I tell Adam.

"I'll call Drew, Bianca can stay with me while you guys go kill Zig," Adam says.

He gets out his phone and calls his brother, when he hangs up he tells us Drew, Dallas and Bianca are on their way over. Drew and Dallas will come with us and Bianca will be here with Adam. They arrive a few minutes later and we leave almost as soon as they get here. Clare's still asleep and I know she's in good hands with Adam and Bianca. We drive around for a bit trying to track down where Zig lives, we find out his house was raided by the cops after they called 911 because Clare tried to kill herself in the bathtub. Some gangbanger he was living with got arrested but Zig is in the wind. Still between me and Owen and the people we know we manage to find Zig and have a couple of guys hold him for us.

"He's all yours," Nic says letting go of Zig.

"Owen I didn't do anything," Zig pleads.

"Bullshit Novak you found Clare in a vulnerable state and got her high then molested her," Owen growls while I grab him by the shirt.

"She never said no and she told me she wanted to be numb," Zig argues.

"You knew what happened and why she was like that if you were a man at all you would have found one of her friends instead of giving her who knows what kind of drugs and taking advantage of the fact that she was temporarily broken," I snarl at him in one raging breath.

Zig opens his mouth to argue but I don't want to hear it, nothing he can say can possibly justify what he did to her. He took her when she was broken and took advantage of it in every way he could. He made her dependent on him to feel numb because she didn't want to feel the pain of Eli's suicide.

I punch Zig in the face as hard as I can, Owen hits him in the gut, Drew and Dallas hit him too. For a couple of minutes we just beat the crap out of him, taking our anger out on his body for what he did to Clare. The we drop him and he falls to the ground, the angry side of me wants to keep hitting him, beat all my anger into him but that won't teach him anything.

"You stay away from Clare, don't go near her ever again. Next time you find a girl or anyone broken like that try helping them instead of making it worse," I say to Zig and then we leave. I don't know if he heard anything I said but it doesn't matter he'll remember the beating and maybe if he ever finds himself in that situation again he'll handle it differently.

We return to the apartment, Adam and Bianca are on the sofa. I'd ask where Clare is but I hear the shower going, considering how much she was sweating I'm sure she felt gross and wanted to shower.

"Did you find Zig?" Adam asks.

"Yes we did and we beat him good. How's Clare?" Owen questions.

"She woke up about twenty minutes ago and wanted to shower. She doesn't have any other clothes here and didn't want us to leave so I gave her more of your clothes," Adam says.

"That's fine. She'll probably want to stay here for another day or two. Even if she doesn't want to we probably should keep her here for a couple of days. She might not be done with withdrawal symptoms yet and she probably won't feel very good for a couple of days," I comment and Owen nods in agreement.

"We can go get Clare some clothes and some stuff from her house. Come on Babe let's go to Clare's house," Bianca says getting up and grabbing Drew's hand.

"But I'm hungry after beating up Zig," Drew whines as she pulls him out the door.

"Actually I'm pretty hungry too," I remark as they leave.

"Yeah me too, Dallas come with me to get some grub," Owen says and Dallas nods. Shortly after they leave we hear the shower turn off and a couple minutes later the door opens and Clare comes out.

"Feeling better?" I ask her.

She comes over and Adam moves over so she can sit between us, "A little better."

"Owen and Dallas went to get some food and Bianca took Drew to get some stuff from your house," I tell her and she nods in acknowledgement before leaning back on the sofa. "Owen and I want you to stay here for a couple days."

"I don't want to go home," she whispers.

"You don't have to Clare, not until you're ready," I assure her.

She smiles and leans over giving me a soft, tender kiss on the cheek.

 **(CLARE)**

"You sure you want to do this today? I'll happily bring you back tomorrow," Johnny says as he parks the car.

"I'm sure, I haven't been ready to do this until now. I know Thanksgiving seems like a bad day to do it but I need to say goodbye to Eli. I need to let him go and I need to do it today, I've been holding onto all of this for three weeks, since the moment I turned and saw his broken body on the road and I don't want to hold onto it for a second longer."

"You want me to go with you?" Johnny offers.

"No, I need to do this on my own," I assert.

"I'll be here when you get back," Johnny says and I smile.

I get out of the car and walk slowly through the other headstones and plaques in the cemetery. I know where Eli's plaque is, I do remember the funeral but I didn't want to be here. It's a simple plaque with his name, date of birth and date of death. I kneel down on the grass and run my fingers over his name on the plaque. There's fresh flowers on the grave probably left by his parents, and possibly Adam, earlier this morning.

"This seems a little silly, you're not even here your ashes aren't here this is just a plaque. A metal piece with your name but maybe that's why I felt I could talk to you here, because you've never been here and you aren't here. I'm still having a little trouble being in the places you've been, places where I see you, where memories of you and I become real and take me back and wash me with so many emotions I can't name them all. It's hard for me to be at school which is why I can only go for half a day. Principal Simpson has been fairly understanding, Drew's been exceedingly understanding but I know it won't last forever. I can't set foot in Adam's house still, or mine for that matter. I've almost moved in with Alli and Jenna these last couple of weeks and I spend a lot of time at Johnny and Owen's place."

I stop for a moment to take a deep breath, moving off my knees and sitting with my legs curled behind me. I look at Eli's plaque, his flowers, and glance back at Johnny's car taking another deep breath before I continue.

"Truth is I'm still angry Eli, angry at you for cheating and I don't understand why. I'm angry at you for stepping in front of that truck! I don't know why you did it, I can't understand why you would do such a thing, I will never understand what you were thinking at that moment. I'm angry at myself for not talking to you, for not at least trying to hear what you had to say. I'm angry that you did something so stupid, so selfish as to take your life in front of me. I'm angry but I don't want to be angry anymore Eli I need to say goodbye and start letting you go. I don't know why you did it Eli, I don't know why you cheated, why you stepped out into the road but I know you're gone. I know you're not here anymore but you'll always be in my heart. Our relationship wasn't perfect, we had our fights but I loved you Eli. You were my first love and as many bad moments as we had we had a lot of good moments too Eli. You did a lot for me Eli, you were there for me during some of the hardest and most terrible times of my life and even though you are gone I will always have that. Goodbye Eli, it's time for me to say goodbye."

I stand up slowly, wiping the tears from my eyes. I start to walk back to Johnny's car slowly and then walk faster, nearly running back to the car. I get in and take a deep breath.

"You okay?" Johnny questions.

"No but I'm getting there, slowly and with time I will be again," I say and Johnny smiles. He starts the car but I reach over and take his hand before he can shift into drive. "I never would have made it through these last couple of weeks without you, and Owen too and my other friends but especially you. You saved me Johnny, you've sat up with me after nightmares, and kept my mom away and kept me from going crazy. I thought what I wanted was not to feel anything so I wouldn't have to deal with Eli's death. As helpful and supportive as everyone's been it's you that's gotten me through it and kept me together at the hardest moments. Staying up nights and talking to you, screaming at you when I was upset or in withdrawal, being in your arms after the worst nightmares. I just wanted to say thank you for everything you've done for me," I tell him before leaning over to kiss cheek and he grins big.

"I was happy to do it Clare. I liked spending all the time with you. Besides you're about to suffer through a DiMarco family Thanksgiving with me and that is more than enough payback for what I did for you," Johnny says as he starts driving and I giggle.

I lean back and watch the clouds pass as we drive. Life sure can take some crazy turns, a few weeks ago I was happily dating Eli, and then I found out he was cheating on me. I stopped talking to him or taking his calls and broke up with him. In an attempt to talk to me he came to Toronto, begged me to talk to him and I refused so for whatever reason he stepped into the road and was mangled by a truck. I didn't see him get hit but I saw the aftermath and that image has not left my mind since. I saw Eli get crushed and I broke down, that's not even right I totally lost myself. I found Zig and a way to not feel and almost killed myself. And my knights in shining armor were Johnny and Owen. My shoulder to cry on, my comfort in these last weeks of all people has been Johnny DiMarco, a boy I could barely stand when he was dating Alli and now I find I want to be with him.

I look over at Johnny, he looks at me and we both grin at the same time. I reach over taking his hand, he smiles and interlaces our fingers.

 **Well that's it for this story, replacing this will be Another Chapter in My History Around Guys.**


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